


10:03

by yookhei



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: College AU, Donghyuck centric, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, if u can even call it that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 18:55:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18971059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yookhei/pseuds/yookhei
Summary: where donghyuck writes mark letters about how much he misses him





	10:03

**Author's Note:**

> loosely based off of my own experience with someone i used to love. not beta'd.

on a particularly desolate day, after his first round of finals, donghyuck can't help but think of mark. he's reminded of how mark would always soothe his worries, assuring him that he'd be okay regardless of the grade he received. it's a nice memory and all but the thing about thinking about mark is, that once he starts, he can't _stop_.  _mark this, mark that._ because once he starts thinking about mark, he realizes how mark is everywhere and anywhere even though he actually isn't. no matter how much he wishes he was.

so, on days like this, donghyuck allows himself to feel sad and miss mark. he allows himself to write to mark, hoping one day to receive a reply even though the letters remain unsent. donghyuck opens up his desk drawer and takes a random letter out.

 

_hey mark,_

_did you know i used to think that love wasn't real? i used to think i was hard to love. that it was not possible for someone to actually like me, nonetheless, love me. it wasn’t until i met you that i realized that i was wrong. there’s no other word for the feelings i have for you, it has to be love. i’m in love with you mark lee, i still am, i always will be._

putting the letter down, donghyuck realizes that loving mark became the easiest possible thing for him to do. he did it like if it was his job except, he actually enjoyed it. loving mark was like taking a breath after holding air in for a long time. like listening to your favorite song alone, full volume, on repeat, just because you can; because you want to. loving mark was like listening to the favorite parts of all his songs. that's how loving mark felt like. 

 

 _hey mark,_

_remember when we used to go get boba after school on the days we got released early? and we had to hurry up because you had to drop me off before my parents found out? we would make out in the parking lot until we couldn't breathe and i felt light headed. i swear i could see the stars every time i closed my eyes and you kissed me, and i would see the brightest one every time i opened my eyes after. i went there again for the first time in a while with jaemin and it reminded me of you. i remember how you made me try something new and suggested the cookies and cream smoothie, it's been my favorite drink since._

donghyuck remembered how scared he used to be on days like that. he used to worry about his parents finding out about his early release and wondering where he was. mark would never mind when they had to cut their dates short just so that he wouldn't get in trouble. when donghyuck thinks about these days, he can't help but wish that he would've taken the risk and spent more time with mark. he has to remember not to blame himself, no one knows how numbered their days with people truly are.

 

 _hey mark,_

_remember when we went to the go karts together? it was a group invitation from our friends, but we spent most of the time together because we had missed each other at school due to our busy schedules. we left after everyone else did so we would have more time to make out outside before my parents came to pick me up. you would always drive home only after i got picked up. you were always so sweet. i realize only now how much i took it for granted. i haven’t been there since._

he doesn't even remember racing with his friends anymore. all he remembers from this day is the time that he and mark spent together. the small touches they shared while trying not to be too obvious in front of their friends, it was of no use though; everyone knew they were love-sick. he remembers mark whispering  _finally_ against his lips after all their friends had left. he can still feel the ghost of mark's lips pressing against his own, of their passionate kisses regardless of the urgency in the situation.

 

_hey mark,_

_do you remember when we were up late at night and talking about the future? you had said you wanted me to be your husband and that you couldn't imagine yourself being with anyone else, is that still true? you told me you wanted three children, you said i could choose the names. that it didn't matter what they were named because all you cared about was that you adopted them with me. we talked about how they weren't going to grow up in a house without love like i did, that they were going to grow up in a home. a home where both parents loved each other and loved them even more. do you still believe in that? do you still see that in our future?_

it was a summer night when they had this conversation, he still remembers it. he remembers the way his heart fluttered when mark told him about ~~his~~ their future plans. they talked about where they wanted to settle down, the outskirts of the city, but how they wanted to travel together before they did. he remembers how mark rambled on and on about all the places he wanted to take him to when they went to canada together.

 

_hey mark,_

_this memory makes me a bit sad, but, do you remember that time we almost broke up? you were freaking out over school and your grades, talking frantically about how you **had**  to get in the same university your older brother and sister got to or else your parents would be disappointed in you. i told you i believed in you, to stop freaking out so much because you'd make it regardless of where you went. you told me i didn't understand, that it wasn't the same for me. something in the way you said that hurt me, you knew i was aiming to get into the same university you were, you knew we shared a dream. it made me feel like you saw me as inferior because your grades and rank was higher. you must have realized how i felt because you apologized right away. you told me you were sorry, that the pressure of meeting everyone's expectations had gotten to you and that you didn't mean to talk to me that way. i told you it was okay, that i understood. it happens to the best of us. but you felt so bad, i could see it in your eyes and i could read it in your body language. you told me that i didn't deserve someone who talked to them like that, regardless of the situation. you told me that i deserved someone who could keep their cool and composure at all times. someone who would "make me happy." but didn't you know, you made me the happiest? we both cried that night, kissing each other with apologies. you promised me you'd never bring it up again and that was the end of that._

_you stressed out so much because of it. but months later, we found out you ended up getting accepted with a full-ride scholarship. i, on the other hand, didn't make it._

donghyuck remembers both of these moments clearly, both days hurt his heart to think about. when he and mark were having their argument, he felt his heart ball up in his chest. he hated arguing with mark, it rarely happened, and he liked it that way. donghyuck hated that mark couldn't see himself through his eyes. he couldn't see how intelligent he was, how hard-working, dedicated, and involved he was with school. donghyuck knew any university would be happy to have him, but he also knew that mark wanted to make his family proud by following in his sibling's footsteps. he still remembers winner's song, _f_ _ool_ , playing in the background of their argument and to this day he skips the song when it comes on.

it wasn't a surprise when mark got accepted to the university of his dreams, the results were revealed by email at night and he was overjoyed for the older boy. it wasn't until he saw his own rejection that the smile left his face. he had gotten accepted to all his other choices but not to the one he wanted to go to with mark, the most prestigious one. he remembers his heart breaking because of all the plans he had with mark that now had to be scrapped. crying because he was forced to stay behind, to go to the university his own siblings had gone to. it wasn't a bad university, but it wasn't where he wanted to go. his whole life, donghyuck had been prepped to be better than his siblings; as the youngest they all looked forward to him excelling further than they did because he had more resources. how was he supposed to tell them he didn't make it further than them?

not only this, but it meant that donghyuck would have to continue living with his parents. he wasn't abused at home, no, but there was no love there. between all the fights they had, donghyuck felt suffocated and wanted an escape. he had barely survived the past eighteen years with them, he didn't want four more. so that night, donghyuck cried. he cried for his dreams that were no longer achievable, he cried because he felt like he was stuck, but most of all, he cried because he knew what this meant for him and mark.

 

_hey mark,_

_remember when we used to talk about going to prom together? how i would keep on telling you i wanted us to be the best looking and you'd laugh. you said it didn't matter what i wore because i'd be the most beautiful one there regardless. i know we didn't go together but did you still think that?  i saw your eyes linger on me that night, did you remember our conversation from back then? did you still think i was the most beautiful one there even though you took someone else?_

mark went to prom with a girl from their class, when he saw them enter together, he felt his heart drop. how could he not have seen it coming? of course mark had many other options, he should've known better than to think that mark was going alone. nonetheless, it hurt to see them together even though he knew mark felt nothing for her. he could tell in marks lingering stares that his heart was with him, not his date. it had only been a couple of months after they broke up, but he knew where mark's heart was. it took everything in him not to ask mark for a dance, because it's everyone's dream to share a dance with their lover during prom night. but that's when he had to remind himself that they were no longer lovers, they were strangers with a past, two parts of a whole that were no longer together.

 

_hey mark,_

_i hope you don't blame me, i hope you know why i did it. we were going to different universities, thousands of miles way. it was easier to get it over with now that waiting until after we graduated, it would give us more time to move on and learn to be without each other. i hope you understood my reasoning behind it and i hope with my whole heart that it made sense. neither of us were built for long-distance relationships and i would never beg you to stay. i knew i didn't even have to ask because as long as we stayed together, i knew you would want to be by my side. that's why we had to break up, i couldn't let you give up something you were looking forward to so much and worked so hard for... just for me. how is it, over there? how are your classes? your professors? have you met someone new? do you think about me, the way i think about you? do you miss me the way i miss you? i hope you know... i've never stopped loving you... i'll always love you._

opposite of how they were feeling, mark and donghyuck broke up on a sunny day. the wind was blowing the cherry blossoms out of the trees and into the air. from far away, the conversation would look almost romantic in unknowing eyes. what they couldn't see were the tears in the couple's eyes as donghyuck broke up with mark. he knew he had to do it but it didn't make it hurt any less. he remembers mark asking him to reconsider,  _we can make it work hyuck, i know we can_ , and he remembers himself almost giving in. but he knew, even then, that mark deserved more than a long-distance relationship. more than just phone calls and skype calls. mark deserved someone to physically be there for him and smother him with hugs and kisses. and since he knew this, he knew he had to let him go.

_hey mark,_

_remember that time in japan, after we graduated, when we gave in to each other one last time? we weren't together anymore but the way you touched me, the way you kissed me, the way i moaned your name after every gentle thrust, every movement felt the same as when we were together. actions were better than words and i could tell by yours that you missed me as much as i had missed you. you didn't tell me you loved me after we finished, you didn’t have to. i could tell by the way you held me; the way you made it seem like you didn't want to let me go. i told you actions spoke louder than words and yours were basically yelling at me. you were my first and you've been my last. no one else can make me feel the way you do and i know no one else's hands can do the things yours can either._

donghyuck would consider this day to be one of his weakest. it was a month after graduation, months after they had broken up and talked to each other last. they were on their graduation vacation trip to japan that they had planned since their sophomore year. he remembers being excited and looking forward to it with mark, but he never imaged it would turn out this way. japan was beautiful, but not more beautiful than mark. no landscape, gallery, or temple could compare to the way the sun kissed boy looked.

he had forgotten that everyone chose their roommates before graduation, before they broke up. he managed to avoid mark during the day but at night, everything was harder. he tried to stay at jeno and Jaemin's for as long as he could until he knew he had to leave. most nights, he was lucky and got back to a sleeping mark. he'd be lying if he said he didn't spend time looking at him. it was so much easier to look at him when he was sleeping, he didn't have to worry about getting caught and making eye contact with him. donghyuck continued staying out of the dorm and going in when mark was sleeping until, one night, mark was awake when he returned. he had just finished changing and donghyuck could tell by his hair that he had just gotten out of the shower. the two looked at each other and there was just so _much_ behind their eyes. they couldn't help it; it was who they were. they were mark and donghyuck, donghyuck and mark; always gravitating towards each other. before he knew what he was doing or what was happening, he was in front of the older boy; looking at him in the eyes.  _please_ is what they were saying, and he never could say no. 

at first their kiss was slow and passionate, timid since it had been a while. but after a couple of moments that seemed to last forever, they became more aggressive and filled with urgency. as if they knew this moment wasn't going to last forever and wanted to get the most out of it. he could feel mark's hands under his shirt, and he smiled into the kiss, remembering how much he loved to do that in the past. donghyuck decided that this chance was god-given and was not going to let it go to waste. his hands roam down from mark's hair to his neck, down his back, until he reached the edges of his shirt. he claws at his back while pushing them closer together, if possible, and starts to lift mark's shirt up. the older boy gets the message and takes his shirt off, with donghyuck following suit. mark takes advantage of the situation and lifts him up, letting donghyuck wrap his legs around him. mark moans into the kiss as their bodies press together and walks them towards the bed, setting donghyuck down beneath him.  _god, i've missed you_. is the last thing he hears mark say before they become a jumble of legs, kisses, and moans.

 

_hey mark,_

_before i started uni i told myself i would get the highest grades possible and transfer to your school. i made tons of research and convinced myself it would be possible if i really focused in school. i thought that maybe after everything you could give me another chance. that there was a possibility that maybe, after all this time, you still loved me too. what i didn't expect was to fall in love. no, not with someone else; i could never do that to you. but i fell in love with my campus, with my major, with the people around me, and the place i call home. would you be mad at me? if i chose to stay here? it's a dumb question, i know you'd want me to follow my dreams. but what do i do if you're also my dream? i know our love was strong, and for me it still is, but will it be strong enough to survive four years? would you still give me a chance to make up for lost time in four years? will your heart still beat for mine the way mine bleeds for yours?_

donghyuck couldn't believe that it only took a semester for him to fall in love with his campus and the people in it. he actually enjoyed that he had siblings that went there because they were able to help him with things he didn't understand. he was even more grateful that one of his sisters had also majored in business, so she knew what classes he was going to take, giving him advise on which professors were the best. donghyuck fell in love with the new experiences he made with the new people he met. he loved being friends with yukhei who was one of the first people to make him feel welcomed, he was thankful for jeno who gently pushed him into trying new things. he was unbelievably happy with how things had turned out; he had no idea he was going to love it as much as he did.  

 

_hey mark,_

_i wish you knew how much my heart yearns for you. sometimes i wish i hadn’t deleted your number because i feel like calling you, just to hear your voice. or texting you just to ask how you are. but i know i could never keep a conversation with you without wanting more. you give me a word and i’ll ask for a sentence. give me a sentence and i’ll ask for more. i’ll ask for more and more until i have all of you because it’s always been that way between you and i. we always wanted to have more of each other until there was nothing left to have. you told me that night in japan, to not give you more of me because you'd want me all. after all, on that night, everything had started with just a kiss._

_if i asked for a kiss now, would you give it to me? if i asked for your heart, would you give it to me? or do i still have it? do i still have your heart the way you still have mine?_

_on the days i miss you most, i wish i had the strength to send these letters to you. i wish you knew how i felt about you and i wish you felt the same for me._

donghyuck finishes reading the last letter with a heavy heart, knowing nothing has changed from when he first wrote it to now. he sighs and puts them up, taking out a piece of paper and his favorite pen as well. with the pen almost on his paper, he's interrupted—

 

** new message **

**maybe: mark lee**

**10:03pm: hey**   **donghyuck?**

 

**Author's Note:**

> me vs. writing short fics (this was originally 1.5k words but i went back to add more things)  
> i might write a pt.2 if u guys want & creativity allows... read my other work until then! i swear they're not as sad.
> 
> twt: @wykhs  
> cc: yookhei


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